GreenAura Wellness, LLC
Anal/Oral Sex,  Anatomy and Physiology,  Couples Issues,  Relationships

Ouch! Why Women Say that Anal Sex Hurts…& How to Make it More Enjoyable

My Guide to Pleasurable Anal Sex

Until four years ago, I believed all the myths, including that it was ALWAYS painful and messy

One of my clients has allowed me to share her story. The first time she had anal sex she said she was extremely nervous. She had heard all of the myths and stories about pain and messiness. She had always said that anal sex was something that she was just not interested in.

She met her current man several years ago when she was in her forties. He was brutally truthful about what he wanted from a woman, both in and out of the bedroom, and guess what was toward the top of his list? You guessed it. It was anal sex.

As a matter of fact, for him, it was a deal-breaker if a woman would not do it. Now I know that some of you out there would walk away immediately. After all, why should you be told what you must do sexually to keep someone in your life?

I want you to sit back and think though. All of us have deal-breakers, and this just happened to be one of his. She admitted that she had a choice. She could have chosen to walk away if she wanted to.

She was crazy about him. Not long into their dating, she decided to try it. Anal sex always seemed dirty and slutty to her, so in keeping with the theme, she bought a schoolgirl outfit for that night.

That evening he cooked her dinner at his home and they went through more than a couple of glasses of wine.

When it came time to head to the bedroom she told me she was nervous, but the wine helped take the edge off. She said she came out of the bathroom wearing her new(which absolutely made him hot for it).

After some foreplay and a bit of “regular” (pussy) sex, they attempted anal. He told to her and breathe. She was comfortable with him, and she trusted that he would stop if she asked him to.

She divulged to me that during his first push inside her ass she was a bit uncomfortable but it didn’t take more than a few seconds before it started to feel good. She started getting excited, and on her first time with anal sex, she had an orgasm!

She was surprised that she was so turned on by the whole experience, and they have been having anal sex frequently every since that night. She states that she often begs him to fuck her ass, which turns him on even more.

Anal sex can be enjoyable and erotic if you are physically and mentally prepared for it. The anus is inundated with nerve endings, and stimulation of those nerves can lead to ecstasy on an unimaginable scale.

Just as these nerve endings can generate great pleasure, they are also able to provoke intense pain. There are a considerable number of women, who state that anal sex was so uncomfortable that they have forever banned anal sex from their sexual tool kit.

I frequently hear from women of all ages and backgrounds who tell me that they do not enjoy anal sex. The number one reply, when asked why is that they are afraid of the pain. Women who continue to have anal sex, despite the pain, mainly do so out of a desire to please their partner.

“Men overwhelmingly report positive experiences following performing anal sex on a female partner. But more than half of the women who have had receptive anal sex describe it as an unpleasant experience they probably wouldn’t repeat.” (David J Ley Ph.D.,” Back Door Psychology“, Psychology Today Feb. 6, 2011) Follow him on Twitter @DrDavidLey

Surveys show that while only 30% of women have encountered painful vaginal sex, a whopping 72% of women state that anal sex is distressfully painful. That is a LOT of women!

In addition to fear of pain, other barriers to anal sex include:

  • Fear of making a mess
  • Fear of the smell
  • Fear of relinquishing control
  • The belief that anal sex is only for gay people
  • The fear that if have anal sex once, then their partner will always want anal sex exclusively

Let us talk first, talking about the anatomy of the anus.  The anus contains two sphincters.  A sphincter is a muscle.

The external sphincter is located at the opening of the anus.  It is a voluntary muscle (meaning you can control it).  It is the external area that feces is expelled from and the area where you insert fingers, toys, a penis, or whatever else you wish that provides pleasure. 

Traveling one and a half inches inside the anus is the internal sphincter.  This is the involuntary muscle.  It is usually constricted, to hold feces inside the rectum, and will relax when it is time to have a bowel movement.   There are veins attached to the internal sphincter, known as anal pillows.  If this sphincter is not relaxed, the veins engorge with blood, so that when something is forced into or out of it, you can end up with tears in the lining of the anus, or with hemorrhoids. 

Note the S-Curve as the Rectum meets with the Sigmoid Colon. Certain sexual positions can straighten this curve out, allowing for a decrease in, or elimination of pain

Traveling up past the internal sphincter is the rectum.  It is five to six inches in length and connects with the sigmoid colon.  The sigmoid colon sends feces to the rectum, giving it a feeling of fullness.  It is that feeling of fullness that causes you to feel the need to go to the bathroom to expel it. 

It is important to note that although there may be tiny amounts of feces in the rectum after stool evacuation, there is typically no stool sitting in the rectum. 

The Puborectalis Muscle (sling) is a supportive muscle that creates and S-Curve in the rectum.  When you are squatting, such as when sitting on the toilet, the muscle stretches and tightens, and the S-Curve is pulled and straightens out.  During a bowel movement, this S-Curse becomes straighter, changing the angle from 90 degrees to about 50 degrees.  Once that S-Curse straightens, the internal sphincter opens.

The anus is the same for both men and women, and as such, both men and women can enjoy it equally.

There are three potential pain points during anal sex.

  • Internal and External Sphincters
  • The S-Curve created by the puborectal sling
  • Muscle contractions

The puborectal S-Curse can be more or less pronounced depending on the positioning of your body.

Relaxation of the muscles is essential to allow for enjoyable anal sex.

Relaxing during anal sex is easier said than done!

  • Tension is the primary source of pain
  • Resistance is increased with a lack of relaxation
  • There are exercises you can do to relax your sphincter muscles

Kegel Exercises can help.

Relaxation aids in pleasurable sensations.  Doing Kegal exercises helps you to relax.

Click here for a step by step guide to Kegal exercises.


  • Rapid or shallow breathing is evidence of tension/stress
  • Relaxation is evidenced by slow and deep breathing

Practice is Important.  Solo anal play can help you find your pleasure points and the positions best suited to prevent pain. 

Try using a finger the first time.  Using LOTS of lube is essential.  Unlike the vagina, the anus does not make its own natural lubricant.  Forcing something into the anus without lubrication can be painful and can damage the lining of the anus.  Remember to breathe!

Butt Plugs come in different lengths and widths and are useful tools to prepare your rear end for penile penetration

Once you are comfortable with your finger, you can try using butt plugs or anal beads.  They come in a variety of sizes.  Start small and work your way up.  Once comfortable, you can try a dildo or penis. 

When you are ready for penile penetrative anal sex, remember that communication is important.  Go slow, use lots of lube, and communicate to your partner when you need to slow things down.  If it is painful, then STOP. 

How to Stay Clean

  • Change your diet – foods rich in fiber such as vegetables and whole grains can keep the bowels regulated and help avoid constipation and bloating
  • Use an Ear/Nose syringe with water to clean out the rectum.  Remember, stool is not stored in the rectum.
  • An important note: Douching is not a good idea.  It can compromise the surface of the anus and cause skin tears, which can introduce bacteria and sexually transmitted diseases.  The anal lining is much more fragile than the lining of the vagina.


The main barrier to sex is fear.  Stay clean.  Practice Kegal exercises and deep breathing.  Use of lots of water-based lubrication is essential.  Choose the position most comfortable for you.  The receiver on top position allows for the receiver to control the situation.   Know your anatomy, and most importantly, STOP if you need to.

Have questions or comments. Share in the comments section below. I look forward to hearing from you!

All My Love,

Coach Lisa


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